What is it with women and anger that will have them shove it down, ignore it, deny it, suppress it or otherwise avoid dealing with it?
What is it that has made so many women shut up when truthfully they felt a loud scream wanting to be expressed? What is it about women fearing the expression of anger that, rather than saying NO MORE, they silently allow it and put up with all kinds of abuse? What is it about women believing they have to be ‘a good girl’ and that having a fit of rage is not allowed or appropriate? What is it about women that they will rather deny themselves than risk disappointing anyone else?
For many years I felt extremely uncomfortable being around anyone expressing their anger or rage. Even if it wasn’t directed at me, I would attempt to harmonize the energy so as to restore peace as soon as possible. Especially when this anger seemd completely irrational to me.
I had been told many a time that I was suppressing the anger within myself and that it might help to go for a drive, turn the stereo up full blast and let myself scream, so as to get that pent up energy moving. Well, I’d try that but the only thing that brought me were a sore throat and even more frustration that I couldn’t seem to get to the core of it. Never mind that I’d feel extremely conscious of anyone driving by and possibly hearing me and thinking me stark raving mad!
Then 9/11 happened and a month later I happened to have a week’s intensive at the healing school I was attending.
That’s when the terrorist in me was set free…
the grief and feeling powerless about the events that had happened, triggered a time bomb within me, which had been ticking away for a very long time.
In this safe space I suddenly felt the grief rise to the surface and I started sobbing until I was wailing…. and then I started feeling the anger well up from deep within me… and before I knew it I was shredding big fat yellow page books to pieces while screaming, yelling and sobbing all at the same time… while seeing the terrorists of 9/11 and in my mind beating them to pieces… then suddenly seeing flashes of many other lifetimes in which I had not felt safe to express the rage within or where I had done so and then been killed in one form or another… seeing priests in churches and temples telling me to do one thing while I felt they were being hypocrits by not walking their talk and now yelling at them how I really felt about them… and then eventually it came to expressing my rage and fury at God…
Shreds of paper everywhere… finally exhausted from all this energy being released… and experiencing the moment of re-emerging into oneness and experiencing the truth of God, the Divine… and then the sorrow and shame for having forgotten the truth… and finally the peace of being Home again….
It was the shame that had held me back from accessing and releasing this core piece.
Not only the shame of having forgotten the truth but also all the rules and conditions of being a woman… and letting myself express anger in any way, shape or form was just so not lady like!
So rather than risking being judged by others and all the consequences associated with that, I (un)consciously allowed that rage to turn inward upon itself. It would show up as being very demanding of myself, critical and having impossibly high standards to live by.
Having been let down one time too many, the disappointments had set into motion this program of not needing anyone else. “I can take care of myself fine, thank you very much.” I would rather go without something than having to ask for support, just in case I’d be denied or rejected, or… worse still… be considered weak. As long as I was giving, then I was in control and felt strong and secure ( or so that part in me thought!).
Not exactly conducive to receiving…
Yet that explosion unleashed the raw creative lifeforce and power kept hostage within me for goodness knows how long and was a huge catalyst on my awakening journey.
Over the years I have facilitated thousands of TAT ( Tapas Acupressure Technique) sessions and time and time again I have witnessed this lifeforce power being unleashed in others while holding the pose, inviting someone into their awareness with whom they have unfinished business and giving themselves permission to truly express how they feel about them. When I mention that this is not a time to be spiritual, they usually have to laugh and then feel this huge relief.
And yet, the number of women who have said they simply could not let themselves get really angry, even if it was in a silent conversation taking place in their mind…
It usually brought up lots of judgments and lots of fear. Fear that if they really let themselves go in this step that something horrific would happen to the other person or they would harm them in some way or that they would be punished ( by whom exactly?…) for expressing this rage.
This gridlock would usually shift while going through the forgiveness steps. Sometimes it happens that there is an unwillingness to forgive ( heaven forbid, how unspiritual!)… then it would be great to hold the pose and simply say: “I am not willing to forgive you at this moment. I might forgive you in time to come but right now, I am not willing or ready yet.”
Even when the conscious mind knows that forgiving is setting yourself and those involved free, there may be resistance at times, as if forgiving is letting someone off the hook. By then giving yourself permission to not forgive quite yet, it is acknowledging how you are feeling and opens the way for miracles fast.
When you consider yourself spiritual ( really… what does that actually mean???) then this may be a bit of a hurdle to get over.
While I was still flying, I had a friend whom I loved very dearly. We had known each other for many years, traveled together and always had a lot of fun together. Then he rejected me for ‘being too spiritual’. It broke my heart.
A few months later I was in San Francisco and as I was going to the elevator with one of my girlfriends, he walked past as he happened to be there,too.
My body felt as if it had just been whacked by a sledgehammer.
I thought I had released whatever he triggered in me but obviously not yet. So when I returned to my room later that day, I did a TAT session and when I got to the forgiveness part, much to the shock and horror or my spiritual ego, I was unwilling to forgive him. I let myself tell him in no uncertain terms how I felt about him and what had happened and that I wanted him to suffer as I had suffered before I would forgive him. And I gave myself permission to hold off on forgiving him right now and said I probably would one of these days as it would feel better for me but not yet.
I felt things shift and I experienced a huge relief at having given him a piece of my mind… I also wondered when this would be completely transformed.
The next morning I was in the steamroom and thought I’d do another TAT session and… when it was time for the forgiveness step, I was willing to let it go and the charge was gone!
If you’re a woman, or you know a woman, who finds it hard to express anger…
then I’d suggest you give yourself the gift of a TAT session to unleash this inner volcano which may just be waiting to explode.Rather than waiting for others or circumstances to trigger an explosion of rage, why not hand it over to the cosmic laundry service to be transformed…
so this raw lifeforce power can support you in expressing your authentic Self in creative ways?
There are many ways to do this, I am just sharing one of them;) And the beauty is that when you shift this energetically, there’s no need to play it out in your physical life! ( although part of you might want to… hence a great one to offer up for release). Releasing this trapped energy from your body, field and life may just surprise you… It may have been suppressed for so long that you didn’t even know it was there… and when that energy is released…wow…
May your Joy Sprinkle Trail fill you with delight every step of the way…
to be continued…
Many joyful blessings,
Copyright © 2012 Tina van Leuven. All Rights Reserved.