Wow, what a month… with the new moon just a few days away, I was reflecting on the last few weeks and everything which has happened since the last new moon along with the Solstice, the Age of Aquarius announcing itself with the first of 7 Pluto/Uranus squares ( inner complete transformations and sudden awakenings) and a whole lot more…
At new moon time I always love to join Mary Nalini Macnab’s calls ( http://bit.ly/NewMoonJuly2012 ) as we gather from all over the world to declare our intentions for the upcoming cycle, which I then write down on paper and place under my pillow that night. For anyone who has done this, you will know how amazing it is when looking back at those papers later on…
Well, you know how they say to be careful what you wish for? I’d say it would probably be more accurate to say: be conscious of what you wish for…
So… this time my #1 intention was: Living a fully Source-directed life.
Of course I knew that would stir up everything which had been out of alignment with that intention and I was like: “Yeah, go for it and bring it on!”
I mean, with all the deep inner transformations and upgrades of the last few years, how much more could there be, right?
Haha, yes, I can hear you laughing and saying: What were you thinking?!
Well, that’s exactly it… I wasn’t thinking. This intention was coming from a place deep within my core, beyond words, beyond thoughts.
It seems that the intentions I have called forth around the quarter-turns, such as the Equinox and the Solstice, manifest with love speed. You might recall how I had requested a new home which matched my energy at the last Equinox ( in March) and within 24 hours was notified of lease not being renewed…and ten days later my new home finding me…
Well, this last new moon was right around the Solstice so it might have given me a clue;) And on top of all of that, I am in Nalini’s Trinity program and this is all about embodying oneness…that calls for releasing all limitations ever placed on Self…
It’s as if my life has been in the magical sorting hat ( as in Harry Potter) and everything which was based in ‘old’ definitions has been shaken loose, to make way for everything to be fully aligned with my Divine Self.
This was exactly what I intended… little did I know what was coming…
Within a week of declaring this intention, EVERYthing changed.
Business had been quiet for a few weeks already and my mojo seemed to be on vacation. Not feeling inspired to do anything and not feeling the joy from what usually lit me up. I thought it was a temporary phase and was wondering what would be emerging and until then saw this as an opportunity to recharge. I have had quiet times before and things always had a way of magically showing up and yet, this felt different. My body was feeling tired. My spirit felt weary.
And then it happened…
I woke up one morning and had just had enough. I was no longer willing to live like this. To struggle to make ends meet. To try and make things happen. To let my life be run by this inner control program and feel as if I had to constantly be doing something. And the more I tried, the more exhausted I felt and the less things worked. This was something held so deeply in the body that its survival was dependent on it.
And that’s when I saw it…
a program stored deep in the unconscious with rules and conditions to never be released as long as I was alive.
And right there and then I decided that if the body believed that letting this program be transformed or released would mean its demise, then so be it. I was no longer willing to live this way.
Just to be clear, I did state my choice to live a fully Source directed life and to embody my light fully. So whatever had to happen to shift this, shift it must!
Nalini suggested I work with the audios in the Embodying Fluidity program and in particular with the audios of “Clearing Bloodline and Genetic patterns” and “Releasing symptom-causing patterns”. This was deep, deep cellular imprinting from not only my genetic family but also from my soul family… (If you are relating to any of this then I highly, highly recommend you gift yourself with these audios.)
The next few days my life as I had known it ended.
It literally felt as if I had died. The body was still here but the contents were gone. I experienced a 24 hour cycle of being in limbo, totally detached from everything, as if I was in a huge void… and then I suddenly found myself being propelled forward and with a loud inner scream and f%@$&!!!! and unable to resist, finally surrendering… and waking up in another reality.
To all outer appearances, things would appear to be the same… however, my perception had shifted. I was looking around the room and seeing the furniture and yet my perception was ‘seeing’ what was beyond the form.
It felt like my eyes had been adjusted. I would squeeze them shut and open them again, only to find that nothing was as it appeared anymore.
How the heck do I function in the world in this way?!
The next few days I found myself trying to find ways I could come up with money to pay the rent. Yet no matter what I did, there was absolutely no joy in it and nothing flowed. It felt like grasping at straws out of habit. This all happened over the weekend and by Monday the rent had to be paid.
Monday arrived and no money. So… I called the owner and explained the situation I was in. Having absolutely NO idea how this would sort itself out, I let go of wanting to hold on to living here. I had just moved in a few months ago and love this place. It felt like coming home and feels as if I have lived here for ages. To have to move again so soon and under these circumstances?
I took a deep breath and let go… trusting all is well and allowing myself to be guided with every step.
Feeling the calling inside to go home, home to Australia.
Regardless of whether or not money would show up, it felt time to go home.
As I shared this with my dearest friends over the next few days it felt like being at my own funeral while alive. Feeling how much I am loved and how much I love my friends here. This is partly what kept me from leaving before… even though I know these heart connections are beyond time and space.
A miracle happened that Thursday after a few more tears were shed with friends when I shared where I was at.
I came home to find an email that one of my dearest friends had sent me a gift… the money required for the rent!
I burst into tears of gratitude as my heart opened to receive this fully.
While my entire life is shifting to align with Divine Agenda, rather than personal agenda, I continue to surrender… and it feels like what I am surrendering into is the fullness of my Being, free from limitations… coming home to my Self.
To be continued…
Many joyful blessings,
Copyright © 2012 Tina van Leuven. All Rights Reserved.